So you’re ready to spice it up huh? You’ve spent hours perusing isles of your local sex toy shops, reading books with titles like “How To Make Love Like a Porn Star, or ”Become A Vixen”, all leading up to you busting it like an “Uzi” for your boo thang. You’ve sufficiently got yourself pumped up, with Rihanna’s Cake single on repeat, deeming it the official soundtrack for the kink fest about to take place….You’re gonna make him your bitch, right?? Oh yeah, Oh yeah! (pelvic thrust in the air) He wants that old thing back….and you’re Tony Danza, prepared to show him just Who’s Boss right? You have every intention of showing him that the old girl’s still got it, and in some instances show him what he’d be missing if he doesn’t get his act together!
After hours of secretive Googling you have a list of things to add to the “spank bank”……But here in lies the problem. You’ve read these sex-pert articles (with plenty of pictures) and are so excited you forget to stay in your lane, and are totally delusional about the realm of your…ahem.. “capabilities” shall we say?
Here is a list of things you should think twice about before trying…
Candle Waxing- Nothing sexier than pouring BOILING HOT WAX on an area of your man that isn’t used to feeling anything hotter than a sweater right? WRONG. In a worse-case scenario you start pouring hot liquids with your must seductive come hither look, and he screams like a bee-yatch and you are either completely full of laughter and questioning his sexuality, or you are completely and utterly turned all the way off. I would strongly suggest you research this method of sex play extensively, or evaluate his level of pain tolerance before giving your partner’s ego and body third degree burns. Yea,… just a few extra precautions in case….
Kama Sutra Positions- The “Rising Cow Moon” looks interesting doesn’t it? The article or book you read probably explained what a mind blowing orgasm you both will have if you try it. What it forgot to explain to you is that you are not an effin’ gymnast, nor have you ever been. These Yogaesque/ complex looking sexual positions require FLEXIBILITY, which I’m sure just escaped you while delusions of grandeur were running rampant in your mind. Now if you feel like pulling a muscle, taking a trip to the ER, and going through the embarrassment of explaining how you got injured to the doctor by all means go ahead. Otherwise I suggest you enroll in a local yoga class or incorporate stretching into your daily routine before you try to prove that you are a human pretzel.
Human Dessert- Ohhh sounds yummy, right? You’re going to turn your vag into a personal ice cream sundae for your man., huh? Awesome idea…oh wait it’s not. That is a certified one-way ticket to Yeastville. According to womenshealth.gov ‘consuming extreme amounts of sugary foods’ is main cause of a yeast infection. So if your vagina just so happens to eat two scoops of ice cream coated in chocolate and whip cream there’s a good chance you are going to catch that “ill na-na”. Here’s a word of advice, move the dessert up top where everything is external and can be cleaned without leaving any residue.
You Wanna Feel My Squeeze Box?- So you are throughly impressed with yourself, and all the Kegel exercises you’ve been practicing. I mean, you damn near have your own personal suction cup down there as far as you’re concerned. Hell you could crush a can down there… woah… let’s not go too far, but you get the picture. So he’s inside you now, you guys are one, and then you get it in your mind to serve him with the Pièce de résistance…. Your ego is yelling, FINISH HIM! (inserts Mortal Kombat voice) Woah there tigress….may wanna loosen up on the death grip. Even though you garner several kudos from your partner, you’ve managed to squeeze the condom clear off…, and unfortunately now it along with its contents are securely tucked away inside your buried treasure trove…. Post- coital is going to be pretty AWKWARD after lover boy fishes the empty condom from your squeeze box….Plan B?
Personal Stripper- Pole dancing amongst NON-exotic dancers is getting pretty popular these days but don’t let societal trends get you gassed up just to make a fool of yourself. Youtube search “strippers falling off the pole” and then immediately go and enroll in a pole dancing class before you embarrass yourself and end up in a neck brace and a cast that no amount of sexy lingerie can cover up!
Notice a theme here? You are not a porn star, contortionists, or doctor. Master the bedroom skills you already have and add in the bells and whistles slowly but surely. Think about the consequences of your new “tips and techniques” and then tweak them to fit your lifestyle you sexy little siren you!